Thinking.

I'm here at home,wondering what 2010 will bring. This year has been one of the best so far,I wished so hard for everything to go right and I guess my wish came true. This year has brought so many life lessons,new friends and new pains into my life. We elected our first black president! I've realized who my real friends are,I've learned what kind of people I want to surround myself with and I've grown up emotionally,which was the hardest thing. Why was it so hard? Because all my life it was easier to put the blame on others, to connive and lie just to get my way and to run from my problems. I finally stopped letting my fists do the talking. Hell,I almost got arrested the last time I did that. I was always afraid that apologizing or just walking away was a sign of weakness. That's the mentality my family has. We're fighters. And we wonder why we're dysfunctional and my sister is in Prison. I'm learning to let my guard down,to trust people and to admit when I'm wrong. I know I will always be a stubborn,head strong person but that isn't going to define who I am. I am making the best with what I've got,letting my true friends know I appreciate them and I'm finding it easier to forgive and forget rather than hold grudges and let it eat at me inside. I want my nieces to open up to me,to trust me and to know they can always come to me when they need help. I didn't have ANY female relatives around growing up besides my Mom. And as loving as she is,she's just as tough and mean. I guess you can say I'm a lot like her. But I am slowly becoming my own person,a NEW me,someone who both surprises and upsets her. I think of that as a good thing. My boyfriend is partly to thank for this. He's one of the nicest,non-judging,loving person you will ever meet. We're like day and night. He's taught me so much and lets me know he loves me even when I'm ugly inside and out. And I'm proud of myself for allowing him to teach me,because for the first 2 years I NEVER gave in,put all the blame on him and treated him bad when he didn't deserve it. I was just a mean little bitch. I don't know why he stuck around,but I'm forever grateful for it. I just wish he wasn't such a Mama's boy. But that's another blog. haha. I've lost a few so called friends this year,but it wasn't anything I did (seriously). I caught them in lies WAAAAAY too many times and that just doesn't fly with me. I'm 25 and too damn old to be playing high school games. So kick rock bitches. I am trying to stay as far away from drama as I can get. Why would I deal with bullshit anyways,I have a great dude,a healthy family and a new house! It has taken me years to get here,to have all this and to be this happy. I know it's gonna take a while for me to become the woman I want to be,but along the way I'm gonna learn all I can,Love freely and smile every chance I get. Here's to 2010.